I've been blogging now for over ten years and this blog post has been the hardest blog post I have ever had to write, but this subject is so important that when asked to share my story by Baby Loss Awareness, I really wanted to do so. I'm not going to go into too much detail as it really is a very sensitive personal experience but I felt like as a mother it's something so important to do.
When a child loses their parent, they're called an orphan. When a spouse loses their partner, they're called a widow. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them. This month recognises the loss of so many parents experiences across the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.
I was 11 weeks already gone when I found out I was pregnant and had no idea at all. I'd been unwell for a couple of weeks, vomiting and couldn't stand the smell of so many things I loved, so in the end I arranged a blood test with my nurse. I went along on a Friday afternoon and the following Monday I got a call from him. I was at home watching a movie with Phil when I received the call and I remember the words so clearly from my nurse "I think you need to go and get a pregnancy test." I giggled at him, I wasn't pregnant! I couldn't be! Phil went out and bought the test, I took it and nothing it was negative. So I called my nurse back and told him, he arranged a scan to find out for sure for the following Friday. All week I was stressed, nervous and anxious - me pregnant? No chance.
After one of the longest weeks of my life, the Friday came and I went along to the doctor's appointment. Blood test, pee samples, and scan done. All confirmed, I was pregnant, 11 weeks pregnant to be exact. I was shitting myself. I knew I had to chance everything - my weekend drinks/parties with friends, no more spicy takeaways, my savings would now go on my little growing baby and I would have to move home as I lived in a flat with a massive staircase going up to it. But I was having a baby! Me!
It was 15th November when it was all confirmed, my dad's birthday, and right after my scan I went to my parents' house for a Chinese takeaway. When my dad walked through the door with the plate of food, BAM!, it hit me and I wanted to vomit. I made an excuse to leave and my dad drove me the 40-minute drive from my parents' house in Liverpool to my flat in Prescot. I felt so bad, it was his birthday, but I couldn't be there. I got home and in days the news of being pregnant settled in.
About a week later we told our families, they were all so happy for us and we were so excited. We bought clothes, books, we ordered a cot and pram online, and a toy which played "twinkle twinkle little star" which we played to my growing tummy every day. We were going to be a perfect little family. My tummy was growing and growing and I started to feel movement. We got a due date of 10th May 2014 but the doctors said that because of my health they were going to deliver our baby a month early on 10th April 2014 at 8am. For weeks life truly was wonderful.
December 23rd, 2013 my tummy was insane all day, I felt so much kicking that day and was worried as my baby had never moved so much. Phil and I had plans with my family for a Chinese meal at my flat (which by then Phil had basically moved into), they came and we had the food. Everything was great but when they left I felt like something wasn't right. My baby had completely stopped moving, something was very wrong. Maybe it was the food? Was I getting too excited? I called my midwife who told me to now worry, it was common.. apparently.
December 24th, 2013, still no movement and I started to get tummy pains so I called her again and asked her if I should go to my nearest A&E, I know now I should have done. My midwife told me that I was a new mum who needed to stop worrying so much, the tummy pains were probably just Christmas excitement. Phil and I had plans to go see some friends on Christmas eve so after the phone call from the midwife we decided to go and see them but left about an hour later as I wasn't feeling too well or in the Christmas mood.
Christmas Day came and I felt horrible. Run-down, unwell and just tired. I didn't get dressed, the Christmas dinner Phil had spent hours making I must have had two mouthfuls off and I spent Christmas Day evening in bed. I woke up around 7.30pm and felt a kick. I was overjoyed and so happy! I remember thinking "Maybe I am just worrying too much?"
That was the last time I felt my daughter move.
The next few hours are a massive blur which I don't want to go into online.
Phil and I lost our baby girl on December 25th, 2013. We named her Katie-Mae.
Christmas now isn't the same. I never want to "celebrate" Christmas, how am I supposed to celebrate a day when it's the day I lost my baby? A lot of people don't realise that after you lose a baby, that's not just it. Everything is hard: telling family and friends, watching my growing tummy go down, cancelling our orders for our daughter's cot and pram, packing away all of her clothes and toys we had bought her, coming on social media to hate mail (which I still get now and again), seeing other people with babies, seeing other people with children in shops shouting at them to "stop being a pain" or to "do as you're told", simply getting on with life. The hardest thing is being blamed by people close to use that we (Phil and myself) must have done something wrong to make it happen.
Someone said to me once "you've lost her now, there is nothing you can do, move on" but it's not as easy as that. Not one day goes by where Phil or I don't think about our daughter, not one day goes by when one of us doesn't mention her. The hardest part of losing a child is living every day afterwards. Our hearts has been broken and nothing or no one will ever be able to fix them again.
I cannot stress enough how important, I know now, it is to listen to your own body and not your midwife if you're pregnant. If you are pregnant and feel like something is wrong go to your nearest A&E department as quickly as you can, and always get a second, third, fourth, fifth opinion if you want to. YOU are the only person who knows YOUR BODY.
Baby Loss Awareness Weeks with Baby Loss Awareness Day on 15th October. October 15th is recognised as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day across the world. I would like to invite you to take part in the global 'Wave of Light'. On this day, everyone is invited to take part in this global event to remember all the babies that have died during pregnancy, at, during or after birth. Please set yourself a remind and simply light a candle at 7pm, leaving it to burn for at least 1 hour. This can be done individually or in a group, at home or in a communal space. Wherever you do this, you will be uniting with others across the world in honour of those babies who lit up our lives for such a short time and it really does mean so much to all of us parents.
Katie-Mae, my darling little girl. You'll never know how much you will always mean to me and your daddy. I carried you for every second of your life, and I promise to love you for every second of mine. With love, Your mummy. x
I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I've experienced a miscarriage a few years ago too and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm so proud of you for writing such an emotive post that will hopefully bring a lot of support to anyone who has gone through something similar. Sending lots of love xxx www.hannahscloud9.comReplyDelete
I'm so sorry to hear that you've been through this too Hannah, if you ever need someone I am always here for you. Thank you so much for leaving such kind words, it really means a lot to my husband and myself. 💕💜Delete
Oh hun, I'm so so sorry. I was crying by the end of this post because you're such a lovely person and the thought of anyone going through such a tragedy is horrible. I think you're so brave to share your story and this is going to help so many people. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so proud of you!ReplyDelete
All My Love,
I didn't mean to make you cry babe, I'm sorry! I'm really hoping that it does help some people so know that others have gone through the same thing. Thank you so much for leaving such kind words, it really means a lot to my husband and myself. 💕💜Delete
Oh Alisha, I'm so sorry to hear this and I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl :( I'm in tears, you are so so brace sharing your story. So proud of you for writing this lovely. I'm so sad you had to go through this. I really think this post will bring support to a lot of people.ReplyDelete
Lots of love, Rachel xo
Thank you so much for leaving such kind words, it really means a lot to my husband and myself. I'm sorry for making you cry, I didn't mean to do that to anyone! I really hope it supports babe too babe, thank you 💕💜Delete
I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. Your so brave for sharing your story, I'm in tears! This is going to help so many people.... so proud of you for writing this post.ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry you had to go through this �� Sending lots of love right now. I think this post will bring a lot of support to people.
All my love,
Thanks so much lovely, it really does mean a hell of a lot to me and my husband. I'm really hoping it does 💕💜Delete
Oh Alisha this is truly heartbreaking! I'm so so sorry for your loss! 💔 I can't imagine how awful this situation was for you, and you are doing such a brave thing by writing this and putting it in the public domain. You never know how many people there are who have gone through the same thing and will take so much support and hope from this post! ❤️ Wishing you the very very best for the future!ReplyDelete
Abbey 👑 www.abbeylouisarose.co.uk
I really want others to know that it's okay, and it's not the end and you can in a way sort of move on but not forget and help others at the same time. Thank you so much lovely, it does really mean so much 💕💜Delete
So sorry for your loss, can't believe what you have been through!! Good luck in the future xReplyDelete
Thanks so much Emma 💕💜Delete
This is heartbreaking and I can't believe some of the negativity you received after your loss. It's a very difficult subject for a lot of people but I applaud you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through the experience but if this post helps just one person, you should be incredibly proud.ReplyDelete
Thank you so much babe, it really means a lot to me and I really do hope I help at least one person with this blog post. 💕💜Delete
This was such a beautiful written post. I'm so sorry you had to go through such an awful time, but I'm so proud of the two of you for making it through and being so strong. Thank you for being so brave in writing this and I hope lots of women get to read it to understand it's importance.ReplyDelete
Lots of love and hugs
Izzy | www.ADoseOfChatter.com
Thank you so much lovely. Your kind words really do mean so much to me and my husband. 💕💜Delete