Friday 4 October 2019

Things To Expect When You Lose A Baby

AD | Hello my lovelies! As many of you may already know, my husband and I lost our little girl in 2013 but what we have never shared online is that on 10th September 2018 we also lost our little boy. If you have ever lost a child yourself then you'll know that it's a heartbreaking time and there are certain things that happen that a lot of people don't talk about openly. However, I wanted to share this post and give you all a little insight through my eyes and explain a little bit more about the "Wave of Light". 

| You'll Hear "Sorry" A Lot | This is very common. When you lose a baby or a child, other people don't know what to say to you so they tell you that they're sorry. You may not want to hear the word, but you may need to hear it from certain people.

| Some People You Love Will Ignore You | This isn't because they don't love you or don't care about you, but some people would just rather not say anything at all than say something that may make you even more upset. Don't be angry at them, they care, they just don't want to hurt you more.

| Some People Will Say The Wrong Thing | I personally hate it when people say "there is always next time" or "you can always try again", and if anyone says this to you then please speak up and tell them that right now you don't even want to think about the future and would rather have time to grieve your loss. This is what I did and it really helped me. 

| You'll Forever Live a Life of Wonder | Living a life of wonder is something that will come naturally for the rest of your life and it will take you a lot of time to accept it, you'll always have questions and wonder about your precious one. You will always wonder who your little one would have been, what would have been their favourite colour, or food, or cartoon, what their first word would have been or when they would have taken their first steps - it's natural and okay to sometimes take time and sit and wonder.

| Your Boobs Make Leek | Depending on how far along you were in your pregnancy, you may or may not experience milk letdown or leaking breasts after a miscarriage. I had sore leaking boobs after losing our daughter, but not after losing our son. If you avoid touching or stimulating your nipples, as this may cause your breasts to produce more milk. I know it sounds so crazy but placing cold cabbage leaves on your breasts or inside your bra can really help until the leaking stops.

| You Will Stop Bleeding | It all depends on how far along your pregnancy was. One woman during an early pregnancy miscarriage may only experience bleeding and cramping for a few hours, but another woman may have bleeding for up to a week. The bleeding can be heavy with clots, but it slowly tapers off over days before stopping, usually within two weeks. I bled for a few days when we lost our son and nearly three weeks when we lost our daughter and developed anaemia so make sure you check with your midwife or doctor if you are worried. Make sure you are stocked up with pads.

| Your Next Period May Hurt | Most women who have miscarried have a "normal" period four to six weeks later. Your period may be heavier or more painful than usual, and you may notice a strong odour. If you're worried or have any questions then book an appointment with your nurse or doctor, do not google your symptoms.

| Don't Rush into Sex | Having sex after a miscarriage can sometimes be painful. Not only physically but emotionally - for both partners. You need to come to terms with what has happened and love your body again before hating it and wanting to hideaway. I made this mistake of hiding my body away and not wanting to look at myself naked, nevermind letting my husband see me. Make sure you have sex again when you're both ready and both feel comfortable enough to do so. It's really important to remember never to have sex again until your bleeding has stopped completely.

| Donate | If you were pregnant for nearly all of your term and have now got lots of items and clothes and gifts that you received for your baby but don't know what to do with it all then donating it is a really good idea. So many women who have run away from abusive partners and are in hostels or babies that are in care are always in need of things and would really benefit from your items. Of course, don't donate every single thing make sure you keep some things for yourself to remember your little one by.

| Grieve | A miscarriage can affect people in many different ways. When my husband and I lost our daughter I became very depressed and anxious, and it took me a long time realise that I wasn't actually grieving - I was depressed. It took me a long time to snap myself out of my depression. It's always okay to grieve your precious one, even years down the line, but please make sure that you grieve in the right way.

| Support Your Partner | The loss of a baby in pregnancy can be an unhappy, frightening and lonely experience.  Sometimes it’s not a major event for everyone, but the feelings of shock, denial, grief, guilt and loss are very common. Try to remember that your partner also wanted this new addiction to your family and will be feeling, somewhat, the same way as you are so don't shut them out. Talk to them, hold them and grieve together. Also, remember that your partner isn't a mind reader and needs you to tell them what you may need and when you need it.

| Talk To Someone | If you don't want to support your partner, or don't have a partner to support you, then please make sure that you talk to someone. Anyone. A family member, friend, medical professional or a stranger online. Channel Mum is such a good place for mothers of lost babies children.

| Take Care of Yourself | Taking care of yourself and your body after a miscarriage is so important. You must give yourself a chance to heal, both physically and emotionally by getting lots of rest, especially for the first 24 hours. Set reminders to take your temperature in the evening for the next five days, even if you don't want or care to do so, you need to make sure that everything is "normal" and call 111 if you develop a temperature above 100° F. Make sure that you eat and drink too. Iron-rich foods are great for your health too; lentils, brown rice, spinach and pears, also drinking nettle tea and red raspberry tea are great ways are helping to heal your body from the inside.

| Emotional Triggers | It's okay to admit that your emotions are all over the place, in fact, it's very brave of you to do so - every pregnancy loss is very different and there is no right or wrong way to feel about it. How you feel will depend on your circumstances, your experience of miscarriage and what the pregnancy meant to you. Recognise your emotional triggers and try to stay clear of them for as long as you need. I personally have never held a baby since losing our daughter in 2013 and even now know I'm not ready to do so.

| Remember | Remembering your little one is something that you will do every moment of every day. Thankfully there is a day and time for you to connect with other people with the Wave of Light. The Wave of Light is a global opportunity to join with bereaved parents, families and friends around the globe to commemorate all babies who sadly died too soon. This year it will take place at 7pm on 15 October 2019, and if you have lost a child, or know someone that has then please light a candle of your own (real or fake) and give a small thought to those who are suffering.

I really hope that some of this advice helps some of you, even in a tiny small way. If you have heartbreakingly lost a baby or a child and would like someone to talk to then please know that I am always here for you and my messages are always open. I'm sending you all so much love!

With love, Alisha Valerie. x